The abortion was something I never wanted to formally talk or write about. I battled with how I would talk about it or if it needed to be talked about. I could’ve just hidden it and repressed the emotions that came from it. Though I have been doing this blogging thing long enough to know that this was not an option. Sometimes I wish I got rid of the baby and felt nothing. At least if I had no feelings about it, maybe I could hide the fact that it happened. Since the start of my blog I have been releasing all these pent up emotions. This space has been something that I could solve the unresolved hurt from my past.
This was a self inflicted hurt though. As least that is how it seems. Everything else is something one could relate to, or almost feel sorry for. No one should feel sorry for me. I don’t want anyones pity or for anyone to understand the great deal of sadness that has come with getting rid of my baby. So I guess the question is… why am I writing about it? Well friends, just like everything else, I have to sort this out! As I have sorted everything else out. This has to come out too, and a poem wont cut it. I tried to make it poetic and heal through that (read about it here https://domtheblogger.com/2017/12/30/lovely-baby-number-never/ ). This was a strong and personal piece, but it isn’t enough. I battled with losing readers and followers. I feared that pro-life people would troll my pages. Finally, I decided the only way to deal with it was to share my truth. I would rather have readers that love a TRUE me, and not a beautiful lie.
Before 2017 I hadn’t aborted any other pregnancies. I gave birth to my two amazing children through absolute chaos and that was something I was proud of. When I got pregnant the third time I was damn near 29 years old. It seems easier to make this type of decision when you are too young to know any better. I knew better though, I had two perfect children before this one and he or she should have been my third piece of perfection.
Have you ever heard anyone say, “If I knew all I knew now back then… I would’ve done things differently?” Or “Hindsight is 20×20”? At 18 when I got pregnant with any son I knew nothing about the true struggle of being a single mother. I appreciate my lack of knowledge in this department, because I wouldn’t have had him if I knew better then. When I had my daughter I thought I had parenting all figured out, I had no idea how hard it was to have multiple children alone, and I never thought I would be raising her with a co-parent and not a two parent home.
When I got pregnant with #3… I knew I would be raising it alone, I knew that it would be extremely high risk because of my health history. My life was just beginning again and I didn’t think that I could even get pregnant. Then to top it all off I got pregnant by someone who didn’t love me, didn’t want to commit to me and to top it all off, had four other children. I just couldn’t do it. Getting the abortion made logical sense. I decided so quickly to just get rid of it. Thinking it would be over after that. I thought that life would just go on like nothing happened.
The reality of getting an abortion when you are already a mother, is that it is emotionally devastating. I got rid of my baby on December 29, 2017. I brought New Year 2018 in alone and in tears. Every bad thing that happened to me I felt that I deserved it because of what I had done. I dreamed about what my child would look like and when my would-be due date came along I was sad again. That hidden sadness stuck with me all year. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t record. Because everything would lead back to thinking about the baby. I look at my children and love on them more than I normally do, because I love and appreciate them so much. I became more protective over them for some reason.
Slowly but surely I am healing from what happened. I will be making a story time video giving more details this week. When I make that video the only other time I will talk about the abortion will be in my book (YES I AM WORKING ON A BOOK!!). As always, writing about it definitely helps me deal with it. I know there will be people who think I am horrible and I probably will lose some of my supporters. I hope they understand that I am not at all happy or proud of my decision. For those that continue to rock with me, know that I am not saying abortions are great. I didn’t feel that I escaped a hardship or dodged a bullet. I literally feel like I killed a baby. And I constantly think and dream of my baby.
I shared this with you guys as a way of explaining my absence. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I have so much writing to share with you all and I am happy to get back to blogging and vlogging…
That’s all for now… stay tuned for the video 😦